Issue #1
North Beach Lately
for the irreverent by the irrelevant
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Issue #1
North Beach Lately brings you news from North Beach, San Francisco (mostly made-up crap, TBH).
Issue #1, July 10th, 2026
Scandalous Mismatched Espresso Orders at Local Joint
Scandalous Mismatched Espresso Orders at Local Joint
Local neighborhood stalwart is reeling after a tourist at a nearby café reportedly ordered an iced oat milk vanilla latte with "extra caramel drizzle." "The sound of the syrup hitting the bottom of the cup disrupted the entire morning meditation ritual," claims one local espresso purist who has frequented the establishment for over forty years. After consulting with his personal branding consultant, the purist insists that such beverages are "a direct assault on the heritage of North Beach" and that the perpetrator should be formally barred from ordering anything more complex than a straight double ristretto. NBL has reached out to the café management, who remain busy steaming milk and have yet to issue a formal stance on syrup-related gentrification.
—Editor
Accidentally confuses Bodega for Office Snack Bar
Accidentally confuses Bodega for Office Snack Bar
A corner store on Columbus St. is reportedly frequently visited by Local Woman and Entrepreneur who "[...] just walks in without even acknowledging me and routinely grabs a couple of fig bars (gluten free) and a can of LaCroix (Pamplemousse) and then exits, most often while on the phone for a business call", says the store owner who wishes to remain anonymous per the advice of his legal representative. The matter is reported to- and currently under investigation by Central Station, sources have it. More to follow as this is a developing story.
—Editor
Proposed New Mixed-Use Development Considered too Low
Proposed New Mixed-Use Development Considered too Low
A proposal for a new structure on the site of the former Verdi building was recently submitted to the building department for review. The proposed design includes a subterranean public parking garage and a one story mixed used building on top. Local groups of activists are protesting this new proposal as it does not conform to the guidelines outlined for the neighborhood. "[...] it is an outrageous proposal and does not fit into this traditional neighborhood as it is too low", a spokesperson comments and continues "traditionally our beloved North Beach only has 2-3 story buildings without any form of parking amenities, and that's the way we want it". NBL unsuccessfully tried to reach the Supervisor, D3, for a comment.
—Editor
Non-Flirtatous Dog Owner Upsets Regulars
Non-Flirtatous Dog Owner Upsets Regulars
Young woman upsets feelings amongst the early afternoon crowd in Washington Square Park. "Her behaviour is inconsistent with our standards", longtime dog-owner claims. After consulting with a legal advisor the woman in question stands her ground and will neither change her behavior nor take her dog's business elsewhere, she says.
—Editor
no Longer feels Safe here
no Longer feels Safe here
Conference attendee and aspiring DJ, Ruth C., recently filed a complaint with his/her company's HR department which insists on setting her/him up at The Argonaut while attending corporate meetings in FiDI. Ruth, walking down Columbus Ave. on her/his way to a morning meeting starting at noon happened to glance up from her/his phone and immediately felt uneasy seeing a giant phallus rise from a nearby hill. After Image Binging it s/he learnt that it was not designed solely to intimidate her/him but was a building of sorts that seemed to have been erected during a less-sensitive area, probably by white middle-aged men.
—Editor
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